Writing

Have you ever not been able to sleep because you need to finish a book? I'm like that. I can't sleep unless I've made it to the final page when I'm reading. And I'm finally able to read again. Not the typical textbook requirements from college, but what I want to read and can find.

Lately it's been some fluff, some for fun. I need to get back into it, keep working on the classics. It's funny, that after graduating early from college, I feel like my mind is dull and out of tune. I watched a few things on the history channel tonight, and it felt like trying to scrub mold off a sponge. I'm used to remembering everything that I see and hear. My intellect has stopped working like that. I only hope it's rusty, not gone completely.

Isn't that funny, wondering if your mind is gone? Especially after the "rigors" of college life. At night I tend to think in extremes, in black and white. Tonight, I would say that I'm disappointed with the effort I put forth in college. I put forth minimal effort for each quarter, for the most part disinterested in my lectures and coursework. The rare exception to this was creative writing, and even there I procrastinated until the last possible moment. It's quite pathetic, as college is an opportunity, especially at a school as phenomenal as OSU. And I purposely was bored.

For this I am disappointed. My vocabulary has shrunk to an abysmal level, and my range of thinking that of a teaspoon. I was given every option and took the laissez-faire route as often as I could.

So I wonder, what it would be like for me to go back to grad school? Not full time, but actually working and paying for my own education. If it were a sacrifice for my husband and I, would I work harder? Make myself excel beyond my worth? I hope so. I don't know if I deserve another shot, but it is something I was to try.

I just finished The Secret of Lost Things. I was enraptured by the title, by the books on the cover, by the story of a girl named Rosemary. Also, the bargain bin in Barnes & Noble helped matters in my choice of story. Still, upon reflecting as we do when we finish stories, I'm not sure about it. It was a decent novel, surely, and beautifully crafted. But I can't tell if I like the way writing is going or not. Probably not, since I'm questioning it. It makes me wonder if I can fit in or not.

So I just found my old xanga still online...

And it amazes me that thing's still up there. I have a myspace too. I would shut them both down but I can't remember my passwords.

Xanga seems to chronicle another lifetime for me. Seriously. It's focus was a different age, a completely different mentality and set of people. It was such a social source for me, and for a while held much of private pain and happenings that were going on. So much of the time silly quotes and song lyrics expressed what I was really thinking or feeling...and that was the only place they were expressed. There and no where else. For a while, xanga was very important to me, in many senses of the word.

I've never been wonderful at being completely honest on these online blogs. It terrifies me to think that someone might read something they won't like. That too, is my greatest fear as a writer (and I use that in the broadest sense of the word). Yes it's true. Fearless Rilla is afraid people won't like her.

As much as I've tried to make my way, to be completely honest with myself and others, that still lurks beneath the surface. That doesn't mean I haven't grown into my own, but I still do take into account what others think.

However, instead of making the hidden into something bad, I'm taking a different stance. I don't think it's that terrible to be private about my life anymore. I think it's because I'm married to an incredibly private person, but for whatever reason I don't think it's that bad. I need to socialize still, obviously, but I don't want it to be through aquaintainces on xanga. I guess the people whose opinion I care about has shifted, not the fact that I care.

And that in itself, is a good thing.

Different

Have you ever seen the "Life is Good" brand?  We have a magnet on our fridge that says that.  I feel like I could be a spokesperson for that brand.  I'm lucky.  How many people are blessed enough to say that?  I don't talk in a "haha look at me" sort of way, but in the sort of way where I am truly thankful for what God has done in my life, and the fact that life truly is just that...good.

A lot has changed since my last entries.  My last name is different now, for instance :)  I live in a different place (Ohio to Texas).  I'm now a cheerleading coach.  Things like that.

Our apartment is more or less set up, which is exciting!  Pictures to come soon.  I miss my sisters and my friends.  But I'm not homesick.  We've been going into work every day for the past two weeks, and I'm excited about teaching this year. I love the people I work with.  I love where we live.  Things are good, all around.

I'm a wife now.  This word is still strange and new, in so many ways.  Yet though we've only been married a month, it's already as familiar as my own hands.  If I were married to anyone else, I think it would be terrible.  But I absolutely love being married, since it's to Joseph. I love being Joseph's wife.  That sense of belonging completely to someone else.  It would seem like I would have "given up" freedom, or my own identity, and that's the farthest thing from the truth.  It's a different type of freedom, that's all.  Sure, there are certain things I won't do anymore.  But that's because I've chosen that I didn't want them.  I have a new kind of identity now, one that's bigger than anything I could have imagined.  And I truly do wake up every morning next to my best friend.  How much luckier can a person be?

Of course it's still "honeymoon stage" in a lot of ways, but that doesn't mean we are jaded about what to expect in marriage.  I think we have just both been through so much in the past few years, that we are finally just getting to enjoy a happy time.  There's nothing wrong with that.  Life is always good, and some days are just golden.  "Rejoice in the Lord always."

I'm learning what it means to forgive, and not just in the context of marriage.  This to me is my hardest lesson right now.  

And this is my life, and I am thankful.  

Words can't say and I can't do enough to prove, it's all for you.

There's been times, 

I'm so confused.

And all my roads lead to you,

I just can't turn and walk away...

It's hard to say what it is I see in you,

Wonder if I'll always be with you?

Words can't say and I can't do

Enough to prove it's all for you.

Rain comes pouring down,

Falling from blue skies.

Oh words without a sound,

Coming from your eyes

So, I'm excited to go to Miami.  I'm excited about living in Florida.  I have a feeling I'm never going to want to leave.  I always thought I'd either live in the snow or in the sand.  It was a coin toss, I suppose...and a win-win at that.  

Send me on my way

Strangest music video ever.  Naturally I love it.  

I graduate in 100 days.

I get married in 113.

I want to watch Matilda.

  

That is all.  

The Bachelor

So, this quarter I've had a slightly unhealthy addiction to the reality show, "The Bachelor."  Halfway through the first episode, Joseph called me and was like, "Honey, you've gotta see this!  25 girls fawning over one guy!"  I flipped the channel, and was instantaneously hooked.  I hadn't seen an episode from any other season, but this one seemed to me to be very, very different.  Jason, this season's bachelor, was not only strikingly handsome.  He seemed funny, intelligent, and strangely honest.  For a reality TV show, it's odd to see someone who honestly reacts to things rather than following whatever plot producers have set up.  

And I've followed him along this season.  I had my fan favorites:  Stephanie, the mom who lost her husband and had to raise her daughter alone (I loved her colorful style and faith); Jillian, the fun loving Canadian with a wicked sense of humor (and was absolutely gorgeous); and then Melissa, the cute girl from Dallas that Jason fell in love with on day 1.   I watched as one by one, my favorite girls were cast off, finally leaving Melissa as the girl who Jason claimed undying love for and proposed to on the stunning New Zealand coast.

Though the show's premise is obviously ridiculous, and the chance of finding real love on television a mil to one, they put a great show on of making it as real as possible.  Which leads to my absolute surprise, when at the end of the episode tonight, the most ridiculous events took place.  Jason, deciding that he and Melissa didn't have the same chemistry six weeks after he'd proposed, wanted to break it off and pursue things with his second choice, Molly.  And after watching a break up followed by a reunion between Molly and Jason 20 minutes later, I have to say I'm a little disgusted.  And angry!  (Boy am I angry...)

Because it's RIDICULOUS!  (This is the point where you say, "But Rilla, you were watching the BACHELOR!  You can change the channel at any point in the show!"  Though I really can't, hence the said "Bachelor addiction..." but this all is beside the point).  The ideas that they portray and perpetrate about love on this show infuriate me!  And I was manipulated into following a contrived plot, hoping against hope that for once reality TV might actually be real.

And in some ways, it is.  No wonder Jason is a Bachelor-and unless I am markedly wrong, the poor guy's going to remain so.  He is so jaded about what love is, and so confused, that I doubt he can tell left from right.  It's honestly sad.  He claims to follow his heart, follow his feelings, to what he believes is right.  Now I may only be 21 years old, but even I know more than that.  Your feelings constantly change, on your mood.  Being "in love" isn't an illusion, no.  It's a real thing, but being "in love" is not something that's constant.  It all circles back to unconditionally loving someone.

Break that down, "unconditional."  Un- meaning not, conditional-meaning with certain terms and limitations.  "Unconditional" means disregarding those limitations, and frankly The Bachelor does not know how to love like that.  Cliche as this sounds, he has been raised on an instant gratification mindset, and he is completely taken aback when he finds that his feelings toward a certain person change.  When you really, truly love someone, you know that no matter how you "feel" toward that person for any give time, your status of loving them never changes.  This does not apply in just romantic relationships.  It plays out in every relationship in our lives.  There is a difference between falling "in and out of love," and loving someone.  And I guess I realized tonight, through a silly TV show, how terribly far our society has come from that.  And it makes me sad.  

The answer's right there in front of us, if we would only take care to look.  

Now, to the annotated bibliography that I've yet to start :)